It’s been 3 years since the good folks at Sumo sent me their original bean bag creation, the Omni. (Who are we kidding, I barely know them—they could be bad folks who sell awesome chairs, I don’t really care. Now I’m kind of picturing every one of their employees having personal “pedophilia reading beanbags” in the office, but I think I’ve reached the parenthetical thought limit, so it’s up to your imagination from here.) Anyway, I wrote back then about how 13 years after my prized and only childhood beanbag chair was popped open and ruined for good (or in this case, for bad) by the fattest kid in my school jumping on it, the Omni had finally filled the soft spot in my heart and on my floor.
As it turns out, the worst thing to come of that story was that it now comes up #2 in a Google search for “Chris Shotts,” aka Fat Boy. Which means that I’m now unofficially an asshole, because, even though I might have exaggerated the story a bit, every time Chris Shotts or any of his friends, family, or potential employers Google his name, the second thing they learn about him is that he “tried to make up for his social handicap with annoying humor, an overeagerness to please, and the ability to ‘do all the same things skinny people do, only on a much grander scale’… oh, and he FUCKING JUMPS ON AND SQUASHES PRIZED POSSESSIONS TO DEATH. Good luck getting that museum job, buddy.
Also, he friended me on Facebook a year ago so that’s… awkward.
So the new bag I got is called the Sumo Sway Couple. It’s big enough for two people to masturbate on, but I don’t know why you’d need to know that. It’s probably satisfying enough knowing that there’s room to watch a movie on it with someone you’re comfortable touching. If this sounds vaguely like an invitation to experiment with mutual masturbation, then I’m glad I mentioned the first part, because you definitely wouldn’t have been satisfied just watching a movie on it. But at least have a blanket handy if you’re not the only two in the room.
Until setting up the Sway, I never would have considered using the Omni as an ottoman. But that’s the American way: just when you start feeling like Queen of the Soccer Moms in your Chevy Tahoe, an old school Hummer H1 pulls up and brings back all those feelings of inadequacy. Suddenly you’re just Slut of the Soccer Moms and you can’t even run anybody off the road anymore (women aren’t aggressive drivers, this just happens accidentally).
My new Sumo now rules the living room. Like an effeminate redneck in a yellow Mustang, it demands to be seen. If it could eat my old Sumo, I think it would in a heartbeat, but it looks too much like a vagina to do that (literally). It’s even got the built-in curved back support shape that makes it look like a Venus fly trap of microsuede. Is that why they call them Venus fly traps, because they look like vaginas with teeth? …Are men really from Mars?
For now, they’re going to have to learn to live together. Which could be hard, give that they’re of opposite sexes—the womanly Sway with her wide hips, flashy dress, and silky smooth touch; and the manly Omni, with his indestructible outer shell, shifting personality, and resigned stature in the face of a strong woman.